07.05.17

While living in heavily-polluted Shanghai in the eighties I developed serious symptoms affecting my well-being that, after two years of suffering, were diagnosed back in New York as deriving from a sinus infection. The infection was treated, but the symptoms—eye pain, headache, severe fatigue and lethargy, along with a concomitant irritability—persisted. Accompanying these symptoms were feelings of depression, and I fell into a dysthymic state with occasional lapses into so-called “double depressions”. Anti-depressants helped to temper the symptoms somewhat, but they were still there, all day every day...until last week.

The anesthetic ketamine, administered intravenously over six hour-long sessions, has been shown efficacious in the treatment of both depression and chronic pain, and so, after a long deliberative process, and after agonizing over the very non-trivial costs, I decided to undergo the treatment. Prices are lower on the east coast, so on a recent trip back home to New York I set up a series of appointments at New York Ketamine Infusions, located way downtown just off Wall Street.

After a brief intake interview I was led into a small room with a reclining chair, a few medical devices, and little else but a hook on the wall to hold the ketamine solution. A needle was inserted into my arm, and after five to ten minutes, the ketamine began to take effect. It is said to induce a pleasant "dissociative" effect.

What I sensed:
Visually, I found that the effect was more intense if I closed my eyes, and so technically I didn’t experience any visual stimulation. Nonetheless, I did have, well, visions. I imagined being in a grand hall that seemed to be made of engraved lacquered wood. The walls of the hall were a glowing deep burgundy, and were in a state of slow motion, so the patterns of the lacquer slowly shifted up and down as time went by. These visions enhanced the sense of calm I began to feel.

Aurally, I was still quite aware of my surroundings. I heard the voices of other people in the office outside my room, and, this being New York, I heard intermittent car horns from the streets, seven stories down. They did not annoy me. Rather, they were soothing and reassuring. After all, the horn-honkers were agitated and impatient while I was calm and serene; I felt they could learn a thing or two about patience from me. The hums and buzzes emblematic of a temperature-regulated building coalesced into a beautiful ensemble of glowing chords, cellos and French horns mostly, and I felt as if I were listening to some heretofore unknown psychedelic Beatles masterpiece. It was both calming and indescribably exciting to be the sole witness to a new Beatles creation.

Tactually, my limbs felt remarkably light and lithe, I could lift them suspended off the recliner with practically no effort whatsoever. I touched my face and arms and they felt a bit like woven straw. It was not unpleasant in the least.

Regarding smell and taste, there is little to report, although a slight synesthetic feeling could be said to have been present, as my mouth tasted, well, slightly machine-like as I opened and closed my jaw. Again, this was not unpleasant at all.

In all, I felt a sense of serene near-bliss. I did not want it to end, and when I peeked up an hour later to see the end of my drip, a sense of mild disappointment set in: no drip no trip.

What I thought:
Calm prevailed; a sense of safety and lightness. I was aware of the immensity of the universe and the incredible smallness and immateriality of my own little life. I could examine my problems from the perspective of an objective observer. They seemed manageable and almost trivial in the context of the universe of which I became acutely aware. Our ethnic divides and cultural clashes melted away in the context of their minuscule differences, and I felt peace was attainable. I thought of the arbitrary trajectory that our human culture has taken, and how, on other planets, things may be unimaginably different. Again, I wanted so much to hold on to these feelings as the infusion came to an end.

Afterwards:
When I came down from my little trip, I was slightly disoriented and a bit dizzy. My head and eye pain were partially subsided, and I retained elements of that objective analysis of my problems, though this state could hardly compare to the bliss I felt as the ketamine was coursing through my veins. This boost began to dissipate as my day went on.

But several hours after my second infusion the following day, I began to feel genuine and lasting benefit. My eye pain subsided considerably, and with it, my lethargy and irritability.

Over the next four infusions the improvement waxed and waned, but was always there to a significant extent. I feel less troubled, less depressed. My headache and eye pain are much improved. I would say that I have had a 70% improvement in my feelings of depression, and an 85% improvement in my physical symptoms. As of this writing one week after finishing my treatment, my symptoms remain in remission.

I'll need booster infusions every four to six weeks over the course of the next year in order to help solidify the effects of the treatment, but in the meantime I feel better than I have felt in the last thirty-two years.

I have never before written about my inner world here at . This is the first time I am doing so.

I am forever grateful to Dr. Glen Z. Brooks and Nurse Janet at New York Ketamine Infusions for providing this life-changing treatment. It's simply amazing how much better I feel, after so many years of suffering.

Update: 09.18.20

I am fine. Ketamine was even more effective for my healing than I thought it would be. I had read (and was told by Dr. Brooks) that I’d need boosters every several months. After about a year of boosters—twice at Dr. Brooks, once in California—I felt I didn’t need another. This is what ketamine does. Yes, it makes you feel absolutely wonderful as it's flowing through your system (I miss that a lot, and sometimes want a booster only because I want that feeling again), but what really matters is its lasting effects: it clears your head. All the things that my therapist was trying to convince me of—I wasn’t the worst person in the world, etc.—finally started to sink in. It was a slow process. In fact, it wasn’t until much later that I could look back on his words and finally, finally understand them to be true.

I made major changes in my life. Although I’d loved doing research, I was finding that my interest was waning, and that, instead, it was the writing process itself that thrilled me most, even more than the research I was reporting on. As my mom faded away into dementia, her death came as something of a relief, I confess, and I lightened further. I decided I could make the change: quit my job, move back home, and channel my intellectual and creative energies into literary writing and graphic art; I'm now in the midst of writing my second novel. (I'm fully aware that most people would not have this luxury. I'm forever grateful to my parents for leaving me enough money to pull this off, and to my aunt and uncle who've always been there for me.) I also, finally, had the confidence to make some overdue changes in the realm of interpersonal relationships. I'm reconnected with some great people from my past with whom I’d lost contact, and painful as it was, I've cut ties with a couple of people (a friend, a family member) whose continued presence in my life had been doing me more harm than good. I’m doing great.

Ketamine gave me back my life.

It's also FDA approved now, though only in nasal form, which is less effective. IV Ketamine needs to be made available and affordable to all who need it. It also needs to be used in simultaneous conjunction with psychotherapy. Just imagine the progress that people could make if, as they are reclining back and tripping on K in the doctor's office, their therapist is sitting by their side, literally holding their hand, accompanying them on their journey to health.

2nd Update: 5.19.24

The world-wide explosion of antisemitism since 7 October 2023 has taken a serious toll on my affect: the pogrom in Israel, the violent clamoring for a second Holocaust on some of the very campuses I once so happily (and two not so happily) called home, and perhaps especially, the deafening silence (not a word of emotional support) from several people in my life whom I’d regarded as good friends. I made a new series of appointments with Dr. Brooks, and, absolutely, over the course of the few weeks following my sessions, my mood has improved, my emotional strength has increased, and I’ve been more outgoing and confident with both friends and acquaintances. The staff at Dr. Brooks’ were wonderful once again, especially, Nurse Nicole, who so patiently listened to me and offered her support. Honestly, I can’t recommend ketamine (and Dr. Brooks) more highly.